I found my life's mission statement on a napkin this weekend

Ahem.

There is nothing that a glass of wine and a good hair straightener can't fix.


If someone takes it upon themselves to write my biography post-mortem, please make sure that's the title. Or at least the subtitle. Do they subtitle books on the cover?? In any case, it needs to be on the cover.

Although I have found that a glass of wine can't fix preggo weight gain. And everyone that says it'll just fall off on its own is LYING. Come to think of it, no one related to me has ever said that it does. Just the frail people that shop in petites in the first place. DANG IT.

Things I wish I knew before becoming a parent, Ed 1

One day, you may be tempted to think that you can take a overly full diaper* off of one baby, run to the other room to get a clean diaper and come back ... but you can't. At least not before he pees on his brother. Who just had a bath.

*this is because you forgot to change his diaper several hours earlier when you knew he needed a change

How have I survived this long without one of these?

Hit me up wi' it this year, Dr. J.


Anyone think that my eyebrows will look as good as hers if I don a mini-hat?? Man, she looks happy.

Here I go again, solving one of life's biggest struggles

How often should you shave in the winter months, ladies???

State Holidays. BAM!

That's Thanksgiving, Christmas, MLK's Bday and Presidents Day HOLLA!!!!

If you party into the New Year, you outta add that one but I find it's still there if I kiss it good morning. Otherwise, you are in for the once a month ride with me.

Everyday Heroes

No! Benjamin! Don't kick Lucas in the head!!

Oh wait.

Lucas! Release Benjamin's leg and stop sucking on it!!



They grow up so fast.

Which may explain why there are no trick or treaters there anymore

I may be a little shaky on some of the details, but this is pretty much what happened.

My parents are on a diet and it's Halloween ... I know, right? Those three in combination are begging to collapse in on one another.

They live in a neighborhood that ... ahem, lacks many people under 3 feet tall (AKA trick or treaters), and in the last couple of years, this once bustling neighborhood hasn't seen many treaters. Still, Mom told Dad to pick up some candy before coming home on Friday and he got two bags of candy that he thought they wouldn't be tempted to eat, Bubblegum and single wrapped Starbursts.

Apparently as the weekend went on, Dad made the comment "we've gotta get rid of this candy" no less than a dozen times a day. They ended up throwing the Bubblegum at some kids that had just burst a pinata on Saturday night, so that bag didn't even make it to Sunday. On Sunday evening, still needing to "get rid of the candy" and the prospect of treaters was looking grim, Dad decides that he's going to take the candy to my Aunt's house. But, lo and behold!, he sees two trick or treaters coming to the door!!

Mom listens from the kitchen as he asks them all about their costumes, and if they like Starbursts (don't you remember those old guys that used to really make you work for it?). When he comes back, she asks him, how many Starbursts did you give them? To which he replies ...

One.