Monday, March 23, 2009

Misadvertisement

I saw the following billboard as I was driving home today (while trying to think about what to make for dinner).

The problem is, that you really can't see that little roast part until you are very close. So I thought, how strange, say no to pot. and a cow. What am I missing? Strange, never woulda put those two together ... in our slumping economy are we completely using up all grain / grass to make alternative fuels so much that the cows are now fed pot and they don't want us to eat pot-fed cows? Or they need to feed cows pot because all the corn's been used up and they don't want us hogging all the pot?


So I see the PETA symbol before I actually see the roast down there in the lower right hand corner.


Ohhh ... I get it ...


As I'm sitting thinking surely people aren't persuaded to give up their carniverous ways with a confusing billboard and my thoughts quickly roll over to ... hmmm ... roast actually sounds really good for dinner. That'll be easy.


Who's with me? Go roast!

Sunday, March 15, 2009

What.

In case you took way too much NyQuil last night, that's me photoshopped into the middle of that. Yes, I completely humiliated myself in a faculty-student dodgeball game recently. No, I didn't make this poster.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

The Ultimate in Airport Stories

The length of this story may get out of control, i will do my best, but this is one that must be told.

My family has a knack for coming back from vacation with the wildest of stories and we have our fair share of airport stories, but this one will go down in the books.

Being the rule-abiding citizens that they are, my parents arrived to DFW airport yesterday about 1.5 hours before their flight. Check in, go to the security line, show their boarding passes and passports for IDs at the entry point and get into a conversation with the worker about how they both have the same first and last name (if you don't know this story already, it'll have to wait). Following that, the person behind them in line asks my parents if they were A.G's parents (referring to my brother). Since there are abot 5 million people in the DFW metroplex, you don't often run into your sons former friends in the airport. They talk with her for a few minutes as they go through the x-ray machines and say goodbye. My mom is waiting on the inside for my dad to pass the scan point but the guards won't let him through because he doesn't have his boarding pass. After arguing across the security station about the fact that it is, in fact, not in his coat where he thinks it is (I'm sure the guards were impressed with how cool they were), Dad finally stops and realizes that he must have dropped it into the grey bin that he ended up giving to the girl since they were talking.

But who was she? And where is she going? She's a former friend of my brother's from when? Maybe her name was Smith? Can we page her?

So the paging begins. At 5 minute intervals they begin paging ... Would Miss Smith please report to the check in station? Would Miss Smith that knows the Grubbs please report to the check in station? ... maybe her name was Christy? Would Christy Smith please report???

Let's pause for one minute to point out that my father is standing in limbo security line in his sock-feet. Thank God he selected a non-holey pair for the journey.

Epiphany, let's call our son and see if he remembers. Of course he has a tendency to screen phone calls, so three phone calls and a SCREAMING text later, he calls back. do you remember a girl's name that you once knew ... maybe a smith?? maybe you knew her in high school? amazingly enough he places the girl, but can't really remember her name but knows someone that would know, so he'll call them and call back. In the meantime, they keep paging made up names.

After a few phonecalls and some saavy facebook investigations, he calls back and says her name is C.D. Smith and he thinks she's going to Romania. PAGING C.D. SMITH GOING TO ROMANIA. ... Finally! She's on the phone at Gate 31 (they are at gate 11) and my mother's dream of becoming an olympic track athlete begins!! OFF she sprints and quarter mile down the terminal, finds C.D. and embraces her like she has known her for her entire life!!! Hooray! Boarding pass and passport in hand, mom sprints back, bolts backwards through security (red lights spinning, guards protesting) and hands my dad his boarding pass ...

AND C.D. Smith's PASSPORT!!!!!!

Michael Johnson emerged from those legs at that moment. Off flew my mother at a pace previously unattainable for the over 50 Woman.

She arrives to three lines of people boarding at the gate. Getting no help from the staff, she searches herself and finds C.D. at the end of the line talking her phone, innocently unaware of all the mayhem, with my father's passport.

My father is now reunited with his shoes, and they are safely in London ready to go and visit Ireland on St. Patty's day next week. My mother is going to be recognized with the All-American Track team later this spring.

Tuesday, January 06, 2009

Kittens and the ER

Sadly, Professor McGonagall hasn't been doing well since we picked her up from her not-so-home-away-from-home where she stayed whilst Dr. J and I went to Dallas for Christmas. Last night she was pretty immobile, had a fever and was in a lot of pain, so at about 7:30 we called it, and off we went to the 24 hour vet.

Two x-rays and some prodding later, we didn't know much and opted out of doing additional blood work since the x-rays fully absorbed our Christmas moneys. We left with about two weeks worth of antibiotics and pain killers for her. I was less nervous giving her meds than I've ever been with a cat, because she is so good and I'm usually able to get the pills down. The cats. Not down me.

Presumptuous. I think she actually laid awake all night plotting.

I think the drop went down. After a half dozen efforts with the pill, it had turned into a slimy mush and was all over her mouth/nose/face. She spent a full 10 minutes afterwards producing thick drool that draped from either side of her mouth, protestesting that we can't actually make her take medication that she doesn't want to take. When I got home today there were still bubbly ringlets sprinkled on the floor throughout the kitchen. I can only imagine how long the sputtering continued.

She is supposed to not participate in physical activity for a week per doctors orders. Specifically, no jumping on furniture - I assume this also includes no heavy lifting on her part. Are there actually people out there that know how to accomodate this request? I picked her up off the bed this morning and sat her on the ground when she woke up. She turned around and looked at me like ...what just happened??? Worse still, I hardly even knew how to explain it to her.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

They should put that on the box.

With all the warnings that come on boxes these days ... you know, don't use the hairdryer in the bathtub, don't eat the box, etc ... it seems unfair to be selective.

Just in case this happens to you .... too ... the slow roasted turkey with gravy and mashed potatoes  frozen entree should be sat flat on the table while eating it.  Because when you try and pick up a slice of turkey with your fork and you are only holding the tray in your hand, you will soon find that  the majority of the entree will be on the entire front of your wardrobe.   And this will happen when you are wearing a white sweater.  And when you still have a class to teach.  

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Overdue NY Update

Ok so this post isn't really going to be worthy of our very adventurous trip to NYC (where we sat on the front row at Letterman, ahem) but I really couldn't go another day without sharing.

Here we are returning from a long day of sightseeing .... me (photographer not pictured), Ashley (not pictured), Dr. J and his new NY subway BFF.


I'm still laughing. I can't believe it took me a week to get this up!!!


Monday, October 27, 2008

New York, watch out!

As much as I'd love avoiding looking like a tourist, I'd much rather slap a backpack on Dr. J and have access to aleve, handiwipes, and a Nutrigrain bar if need be. So we are taking off on Thursday after work and returning on Tuesday. I'm so swamped trying to get caught up from the last day I was gone, and now I'll be out for two days. EEEEK!

So the awesome news is that Dr. J and I, along with our travel companions, all got tickets to the Late Show with David Letterman on Monday! And we are totally going to see The Today Show on Monday morning (7:00 a.m. EST, 11/3). Looks like my 15 minutes of fame are predictably around the corner! Hopefully I won't do anything to completely embarass myself, but then again, what good is a trip to New York if you're not gonna check your self respect at the state line!

Oh and Adam is running a marathon or something while we are there. Go Adam! I am so gonna watch that with a Soy Hazelnut Venti Latte and a giant croissant in hand.

Friday, October 10, 2008

This is a mind blowing quote

On my google homepage today ....


There are 10^11 stars in the galaxy. That used to be a huge number. But it's only a hundred billion. It's less than the national deficit! We used to call them astronomical numbers. Now we should call them economical numbers.

- Richard Feynman

no words.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Things I'm not Really Proud of, but not so much that I'm willing to change

I sometimes drink from the milk jug.

I will eat food that I drop on the table / floor. No 3 second rule for me.

I haven't swept the house in over a month.

I like to make Professor McGonagall smell strong smelling objects because she makes a funny face and twitches.

When my students aren't around, I absolutely laugh at them.

I correct people's grammar in my head.

I'm a closet Gossip Girl addict. I love it.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Coulda been worse

I fell down at school today.  I immediately flashed to all the times that my mother has called to tell me that she fell down at school/walking/wherever.   Honestly I don't even bat an eyelash anymore because, let's face it, she's clumsy.  Sorry mom, but you fall a lot.  It's not normal.  Maybe it's all the soap you eat.

What made my tumble worse was that there was no one nearby that I knew.  Then we all could have laughed wildly.  Absolutely everyone that saw was a complete stranger.  And 18.  So they laughed after I left.  I'm probably on You Tube.  The custodians had just mopped and I was in my not-so-traction-saavy flip flops.  I hydroplaned in the hallway in front of my room and landed in a front herkie.  Except not so smiley and with less bows.  I popped right up like a champ, in fact ... now that I think about it, the onlookers probably thought I was break dancing.  I should have started singing some Flashdance.  Don't you hate you think of those things too late?

The wound count topped out with 3:  1)  the skin on the top of 4 toes on my left foot is gone. 2)  gash in my right fore-arm and blood (the worst).  Spiderman is currently taking care of that one.  3)  Pride, obviously.  *4) holding on to rights to add bruise to my arm / tailbone that is sure to surface by morning.

The up side is that I probably won't have to shave my left foot this weekend :)  That and I'm making my premier on You Tube.

Monday, September 15, 2008

Coughs and vomit

Enticing, no?

I have a cough as I do at least once a year.  It lasts forever and drives me nuts.  

On another note, I hosted a jewelry party at my house recently - something I was pretty sure I'd never do, but I thought, what the hey, let's go nuts.  A piece that I ordered from the collection came in broken so I wanted to order a different piece in it's place.  Everything is under warranty, so that should be simple enough, right?  

I'm sure it would be except when I went to hunt down the catalog I couldn't find it at first, but then I noticed some pureed looking catfood sitting atop the desk in our office.  Atop what appeared to be a few pages of what was once a magazine of some sort ... except that a good 30 pages had been eaten away in a ring like pattern.  Eaten away like only a strong acid can...

It appears The Professor seems to be having a little trouble with some hairballs.  Ones that may or may not have come up on the jewelry magazine.  

Monday, September 01, 2008

Old license plate anyone?

A friend of mine is trying to collect old license plates ... something about a gift, i dunno. I just got my new plates here in SC but destroyed my old one literally days before she asked. You guys are literally spread out all over the continental US so surely we can pull a few out.

She is missing quite a few states ... the list is below. If you can help, lemme know!

Alaska Arkansas Connecticut Delaware Florida Hawaii Idaho Illinois Indiana Iowa Kentucky Louisiana Maine Maryland Massachusetts Michigan Mississippi Nebraska Nevada New Hampshire New Jersey New Mexico New York North Carolina North Dakota Ohio Oklahoma Pennsylvania Rhode Island South Carolina South Dakota Tennessee Utah Vermont Virginia Washington Wyoming

Saturday, August 30, 2008

This should answer all of your questions about why I am so ... far from the norm

So I was talking on the phone to my mom the other day and in the middle of one of my stories, Mom starts making this, " pht phhhht bl phhhhhhht pleh pleh I though they plehh phhhht ... I thought they were giving ... phtttt pleh " sounds on the other end of the line.

Me: Mom? What are you doing? You thought they were giving you what?

Mom: Phhht, blpht pleh I thought they were pht pley giving me something to eat

Me: What? You thought who was giving you something to eat? What did they give you?

Mom: A bar of soap

[A full 45 seconds of guffawing laughter follows before I can muster the strength to continue. ]

Me: Where are you Mom?

Mom: I'm at the mall

My father then gets on the phone to clarify what happened. Dad says, "You know those Organic Salt of the Earth Kiosks that are always passing out lotions samples? We pass one and they have this tray full of two inch BLOCKS of soap, and your mother takes one and pops it in her mouth like candy."

Incidentally the people that work at those booths are always foreign. I can only imagine how impressed they were with the American way.

My mother will herein be referred to as the soapeater.

And as a side note, my dad wouldn't give my mom any money to go get something to eat (to get the taste out of her mouth) because she already ate.

But he got a sandwich.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

There are days when i wish I could tell student stories

I stay away from this topic even though my kids make me really, really laugh. I just don't want to inadvertently offend anyone. But today, I read an essay "about me" that just cracked me up. Something about that she "no longer had any pets because they had all been murdered with rubbing alcohol or left in another country" and that in a list of her favorite things to do she included "spilling things".

she's like the daughter i never had. a divine force has brought us together.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Because obviously, this is the logical conclusion

A wonderful friend of mine here really makes me laugh. She makes me laugh, unlike I have probably laughed since I was 12 and we thought it was downright hilarious to make animal noises in the cafeteria. And after a year of Katie eating the cracker part of my ritz peanut butter sandwhich crackers, Emily pointed out to Katie that I had already licked the peanut butter off of the crackers. Now that really was funny. I'm not really all that clear on why we thought those animal noises were so great though. I think I did the monkey sound. It's all kinda fuzzy now. It is becoming more apparent by the day just why I was just so insecure.

Anyway, my friend and I were out walking the other day and this car was inching along behind us like it was going to pull into the driveway that we were about to cross. Isn't that always the case? Well, it didn't pull in there, and it continued to inch along behind us, so my friend turns her head 180 degrees around and immediately EXCLAIMS

and I do mean exclaims ...

"Hey there's a dog driv- !!!!

[Short pause]

... oh my God I'm so embarrassed!!!"

In the midst of my FITS of laughter I was able to see the dog. Sitting in their owner's lap. Not driving.

10 points and a pat on the back if you live in Columbia and you know who said this.

Monday, August 11, 2008

Keep quiet and no one gets hurt.

Yesterday a friend of mine offered to give me some hostas that her parents had brought her. We have a particularly shady backyard and have a hard time getting anything to grow well. Fortunately, hostas seem to like it. After church, Dr. J and I went to retrieve the hostas (because I was too lazy to go and pick them up on Saturday like I said I would and watched hours of Veronica Mars and the Olympics instead).

Returning home with 5 hostas riding in the backseat the conversation went something like this:

Dr J: So what are we going to do with the hostages?

Me: [bursting fit of laughter]

Dr J: Fine, alright, how do you pronounce it?

Me: Hossssss-tas. I think we outta tie em up, blindfoldem and put em in the garage.

Dr J: It must be my Colombian nature

Hostas crying in high pitched squeals from the back: Let us go! You have no right to keep us here! You'll be sorry!!

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Not to be missed

Sometimes I just get on my knees and thank God for local officials.

Check it.

I particularly am fond of the third paragraph from the end wherein they list other names that have been restricted from usage by other crack-head parents.

Monday, July 28, 2008

No up-down! Go side-side! Oh that we could all have Mr. Miyagi's wisdom

The first half of 2008 has turned out to be quite eventful for us, not so much in a good way and mostly through no fault of our own. Sure, I could have eaten more green vegetables when I was a lass, but I always thought I could make do just with the minimum required bites. In any case, much of the turmoil of this year has been rather financially straining, and we've mananged, but now I'm thinking I may need to revive the Misfit Fund (you know, the money most people set aside for a rainy day but that I keep in reserve for when I make bad decisions).

I will say that the Typical Me stories have died down a bit since I've gotten married. Maybe I actually don't leave the house as much, leaving less room for public embarrassment. Mom came in town this week and since Dr. J won't let me get a tatoo (another story, another day), I am in need of some other sort of change and decided it would be a great time to color my hair. I've always had the attitude of It's Just Hair so we opted just to go the highlights-in-a-box route. The mere fact that I am blogging about this should be some indication of how wise was this decision.

Our selection: Clairol's Herbal Essences- Shade on Shade Highlights. Check out the deceptively menacing pink plastic comb in the picture. A lesser man would have shyed away from such an applicator, but not us. We were undaunted even by the 10 very detailed "hints to great highlights" (aka ways we think you will probably screw up). We danced around at least a few of those. But a little dancing goes a long way, and in the end, it's just you and the spoils of your labor.

Looking back it really could have been much worse. My hair could have fallen out, I could have gotten third degrees burns on my scalp, the excess could have spilled onto my cat, each possibility more horrific than the one before. To only be left with a patchwork of gold/orange, complete with 3-inch diameter solid gold discs of hair just above each of my ears ... well, someone upstairs was just plain watching over me.

And then, just to kick me while I was already down, I got hit by the meter maid with a parking ticket while I was at the stylist today "recovering".

Wednesday, July 09, 2008

Thuggery in the Shrubbery

I would have blogged about this sooner ... but, well, you'll see...



Monday was the beginning of my two weeks of summer completely free of committment. I was so excited! I had my week planned full of things like do some reading for school (that never ends), have lunch with friends, you know ... things I never have time for. The only thing I needed to do was go to the dentist Monday morning. I left at 11:35 a.m. and returned about 12:20 p.m.

As soon as I pulled into the drivewayI could tell the door was ajar, the door frame was broken (this is where I did something stupid) so I took off running into the house. I know. Really, really dumb. Breathe easy, the thugs had already come and gone ... leaving the absence of our home computer, my work computer, and our bedroom tv. Pretty much the ONLY things of value we even own. I hope they fully appreciate the HOURS AND MONTHS AND YEARS of my life they now have in their possession in the form of everything I have ever created for my classroom. Please, dear thieves, let it not go to waste.

That's where I almost vomited. Fortunately, I backed up my work computer during spring break, but since my burner wasn't working at the end of the year, I lost a few months. Dr. J had our music, photos and home computer backed up on the external hard drive. I beg of all of you to do the same if you haven't already.

The fallout and drama isn't completely over, but we're working on it.

Irritating? Yes. Devastating? No.

Monday, June 30, 2008

Another year better

I called my mom to tell her that her youngest daugher is thirty years old. Because that makes someone else sound old, not me. She replies, "I think of it more like my friend is closer to my age".

If you know me, you know I'm not much for sappy lines. But ... AWWWWWWWWWWW!

My mom rocks.